of Shadow, Of Light

When I was a kid, I did art all the time. I loved it. I dunno that I would say I was good at it, necessarily, but I loved it. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I started to do anything with writing and, when I was late in my teens I gave up on seriously doing art and focused on the writing. It remained that way until about three and a half years ago when I started to paint and got back into art again. Since then I have slowly been getting more and more in touch with my inner art nerd again. Saying all this though, I have never necessarily been taken seriously when it came to my art.

Not that I have been this epic artist that is being overlooked by the world. I mean, my friends and some others have appreciated what I have been doing but I would never say people took my art seriously. I am hoping that the first big step towards being taken seriously will be this weekend. I was invited to take part in an art show here in Flint and am hoping people, like it or dislike it, consider it. When I was approached about it it was as writer, the thought being I could do a reading or something but that just seems boring, and I wanted to do something that would challenge me and would be just, more. I struggled with what to do and came up with this project. It encompasses my writing, my art, and my photography, and captures the dark side of things that I like so well.

I am posting pictures of the art and then the text below it.


Of Shadow and Of Light.

I remember being a kid, maybe ten, and sitting in yet another doctor’s office as people in white decided what would be best for me without talking to me. They never really talked to me, not after mom and dad, well… I remember sitting there and looking out at the other children playing, out in a nearby park, and I caught a reflection of someone in the room with me, another child, and I spun around and there was no one there. But I felt better, because I knew they had been there. I had seen them. And knowing I wasn’t alone left a warm feeling in me that hadn’t been there before.

But it faded, and over time I questioned if it had ever existed.

Then I met you, and knew that warmth again.

I had spent so many years alone, in hospitals, in foster homes, never connected to anything.

Never connected to anyone but my own reflection.

Now I have you.

I have you.

Thank you.


Just wanted to say hello.

I am so lucky to have you in my life.

Thank you.

You have saved me.


I miss you.

Going to bed. Thought you were going to message me tonight.


Miss you.

Do you know how much I love you?

Need you?

I wonder.

You are my true north. My heart.

Why haven’t you called?

Did you forget me?

Did someone kidnap you?

Is there someone else?


Call me.


Saw you earlier. You must not have seen me. You were talking to someone. They looked nice.

Who was it?

Saw you online but you didn’t message me.

Did I do something wrong?

Please talk to me.

Please come back.



So this is it?

This is how you end it?

This is how you end things?

You don’t even talk to me?

What did I do?

What did I do?

If you do this I will hate you.

I hate you.

I never thought I could come to hate someone as much as I hate you.

How can you do this to me? How can you do this?

They were right, you know.

All of them.

You are sick.


I never wanted you in the first place. You were never good enough.

You’d never be good enough.






Maybe it isn’t you.

Maybe it’s me.

Maybe I didn’t earn your love.

Maybe I didn’t deserve it.

Is that it?

Is that what happened?

Love, they say, is sacrifice.

I am willing to sacrifice for you.

To you.

I will prove to you how much I love you.

Even if it means my blood.

I will show you how much I love you.

I will show you.

Are you watching?

Do you see me?

I wonder if you know how much I need you.

I wonder if you care.

I wonder if there is more that I can do.

To make sure you’re really there.

I love you so much.

I would die if you left me.

I hope you know that.

I can’t lose you.

I dreamt of you again last night.

You were waving at me from a mirror and I couldn’t reach you.

I couldn’t hear you.

I didn’t know what to do so I broke the mirror.

I woke up and you were lying beside me and everything was ok.

Everything was ok.

It was a dream.

It was just a dream.

Hi, how are you doing?

Haven’t really heard from you for a few days.

I miss you.

I really miss you.

Send me a message or something.

I miss you.

Ok, it’s been a week, what is going on

Look, I forgive you. It’s ok. Just get back to me.

Where the fuck are you?

Where are you?


I hate you.

I hate what you’re are doing to me.

You are killing me.

You are killing me.








From the Desk of Dr. James Higgins

RE: Mazdai case

Dr. Kendrix, I heard about  your recent health issues and do hope you are feeling better. There has been a nasty bug going around this season.

In regards to your questions on the Mazdai case, I can appreciate your interest and will send my files. I cannot give you any more insight than you have, I am afraid as the parents pulled the child out of my care at age eight, but it was clear that there were signs of trouble.

I can recall an instance where the child, having been left alone while a few of us were discussing the case, began speaking to himself and, while he didn’t respond, he would nod once in a while, as he spoke to his reflection in the window. I asked him about this, who he was speaking to and he looked at me, smiled, and told me no one.

I am sorry to hear that this has happened to the boy. I remember him as very sweet. Distant, but sweet. His poor parents, I cannot imagine what they went through before that accident took them. It is a credit to them that they made sure to sign the waivers and to leave the boy with enough money to make sure he was taken care of for his life.

I wish you all the best with this case.

Not sure if my recollection helps but, this is surely a sign of the duality that you mention in the case file.

Wishing you good health.

James Higgins.

ATTACHEDMazdai casework.


From the Desk of Louise Kendrix

Dr. Higgins, thank you so much for the files and the instance you mention. It is very interesting, to be sure. I am honestly stumped as to what has happened to begin the episode that ended with such violence against the self – self mutilation has always been something that unnerved me and in this case the ferocity of the mutilation is something I was not prepared for. I think it is clear that this all began when Mazdai was a child, but, truly, when, is the big question, and why. As big a question as, well, why this all ended so abruptly. It is possible that the attack jarred the psyche in such a way as to heal the initial emotional schism that created the dual personalities, if there ever were two. To read the many letters, to see the tokens of love, read the email messages (something I am still confounded by, that he set up two e-mail accounts, one for each persona, that is just, again, surprising), well, it leads one to believe that there really was a physical object of obsession.

I am truly heartbroken over this case. He went to such great lengths to isolate himself, to distance himself, tearing asunder every bit of work that was done to socialize him as a child, and when the walls he built fell, well, he was buried beneath it.

Let’s pray we can dig him out in time to save him.

We have Mazdai in a controlled and safe environment, perhaps similar to what you had for him when he was a child, and while he is withdrawn and silent, he seems to be stable. This is a case that will take a great long time to understand and to help the patient through, but we are determined, no, I am determined to see it through.

I will not give up on this boy.

I can’t.

Thank you for your files and insight.

I will be in touch.


Louise Hendrix

PS – I am feeling much better thanks. Just a flu.

I am so sorry.

I am so sorry.

Come back.

Come back.

Don’t leave me alone here.



dont leave me alone

I can’t be alone again.

I can’t be alone.

Don’t leave me.


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