going to be ok – story

most days there is only screaming.
a white noise filling her head and crawling through her body like a thousand fire ants.
the world was so loud.
so angry.
so fast.
at school she would try to find a corner to go to and sit, away from everyone and everything, trying to grab hold of her thoughts and slow her heartbeat, which was booming away.
she would close her eyes and imagine herself as a rock with the waves of the ocean crashing upon her and drown, drown, drowning her.
the world would go gray and all she felt was screams wanting to explode from inside her. she felt cracks forming along her body and prayed to god, oh please god please, to not let her fall apart. to not let the screams escape.
to not let them see how scared she was.
home, she wished she was home, and in the dark, and alone in her room under the covers with her favorite song playing.
then the world would slow down.
then the world would let her breathe.
when it coudln’t see her.
she just wants her headphones.
she just wants to be little, tiny, and gone.
why can’t she be invisible?
she felt more cracks spreading.
she was going to fall apart.
it was going to happen.
it was going to happen.
it was…
a voice.
her name.
said softly, as if it was a secret.
and again, her name.
and again, and this time she opened her eyes
mr. ames was kneeling in front of her as the students worked on a project behind him. miss amy was leading the class as mr. ames was back here and no one seemed to notice.
maybe she had become invisible.
but mr. ames spoke her name once more so he must see her.
she must be here.
you are here, he said, you are safe, you are ok.
she was here?
she was safe?
she was ok?
but she didn’t feel like ANY of those things?
let’s slow the world down a little, ok? he said.
she wanted the world to slow.
she wanted everything to slow.
let’s take a breath, ok? a deep breath now hold it for three, two, one, and let it out, and with that breath will go all of the bad thoughts and feelings you have been feeling.
she wasn’t sure about this. she didn’t want to do this. she liked mr. ames though, he was always nice to her so she would try it.
she would try it.
just once.
she took a deep breath.
deep, deep. deeeeeeeep.
she held her breath and her chest started to burn and then she let her breath out and she felt the fire go out and the world did seem like it slowed down.
mr. ames smiled at her.
ok, good, now let’s try that again, ok? do it two more times in a row and let’s see how you feel. ok. ready? he asked.
she did as he said and took a breath, held it, then released it. then she took another and did the same.
she felt light headed afterward but she also felt good.
the roar in her head was almost gone.
most of the ants in her body were asleep.
and the world seemed quieter.
she smiled at mr. ames.
ok, great. that is great. now every time you start to feel anxious, like you need to go away then take a few deep, deep breaths to try to slow things down. i think this will help. i think there is more that we can do for you though. i think there are more things we can do to help you when you start to feel like that. do you think you’d like that?
she almost screamed and hugged mr. ames but didn’t.
of COURSE she wanted some help to stop feeling this way.
that was all she had ever-ever wanted.
she nodded and mr. ames smiled.
ok. when your dad comes to pick you up today after school i will talk to him about some ideas i have. about a person i think that can help and maybe you, your dad, and your mom can go see this friend of mine an7d maybe, just maybe…
the bell rang to signal the end of one class and the beginning of another and the girl started to get up, brushing dust and dirt from her pants as she did.
do you need me to call your dad or are you going to be ok?
she looked at mr. ames and thought about it a moment, biting her lower lip as she ran her hands down along the lines of her courdoroys. she nodded and smiled.
i am gonna be ok. breathe. just breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe.
mr. ames nodded and stood up and watched as the little girl went to her desk and grabbed her notebook and text book and walked out of the room.
she was going to be just fine.

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