Consider this a golden oldie. I wrote this for a website I had a long, long, long time ago. Just me being weird. It has never made it into a book. Perhaps it will some day. It’s just so darned weird. It was slated for an abandoned collection but maybe that collection shall rise again some day. We shall see.
Man-Made Meats
What exactly is a Man-Made-Meat you ask?
Well friend, I am really glad you asked because if you have never tasted Man-Made-Meat then you are truly cheating yourself of realms of taste like you have never experienced before.
Our story begins in 1936 in a small town called Flatston Falls, located in central Michigan. Seeing the state the world was in and perhaps intuitively seeing the terrible wars to come a man named Eridiah Meatman gave form to an idea he had been kicking around since his days as an innocent street urchin. Eridiah saw that the world and her people were unhappy and needed something to brighten the day of every man, woman, and child. Something special to look forward to. To come home to. Something that would take your taste buds into a new realm of taste sensations. Something that would make life a little brighter. So with the aid of his brother Arson and a small loan from the Flatston Falls Federal Bank the brothers Meatman began what would soon become an empire.
Eridiah knew that meat was the key to happiness for the world but also saw that the established meats, your porks, your fowls, your fishes and beefs of the day were just not enough to satisfy the hunger within us all. The hunger that was in fact lying dormant in our bodies waiting to be awakened. We had been lulled into this slumber by the meats many of us knew and loved and grew up on and had lost sight of the meats of our ancestors, the meats Man needs. Eridiah knew that these meats were in fact covering up what we craved deep down. Was halting us from a world of pleasurable meats and meat eating which modern Man had forgotten. Arson knew this Truth as well having served in World War One and having tasted what we all now crave again. My what a glorious feeling that is tasting real meat, Man-Made Meat, for the first time.
Man-Made-Meat was an immediate success. In fact, it was hard to keep up with the demand. From jerky to roast to sausage to slices their meat went from a small roadside stand to a larger stand, to a small store front, and then to a large store in downtown Flatston Falls.
It didn’t take long for Eridiah and Arson to make enough money to pay off their loan and to have enough money to open the first Man-Made-Meats factory in Flatston Falls. As a matter of fact that factory still stands and is now the World Headquarters for the entire line of Man-Made Products. The Meatman’s were hailed as heroes in their small town and soon in the state, and then even as National Heroes as they re-vitalized the appetites and lives of every American. Why the hey-day of the fifties was fueled in great part by the Man-Made-Meats the Meatman’s were producing and the meat-loving lifestyle they promoted. Many can still remember their Man-Made-Meat lunchboxes, all silver and red and bearing their simple yet effective logo – a man standing at a hand-operated meat-grinder with a happy-go-lucky grin on his face. Word soon spread and the rest of the world was clamoring for Man-Made-Meat but the Meatman’s swore no other countries would be privy to the tasty treats of their well-made meats. It was for America, their meats, and America alone. This lead to some rather bad blood between America and the rest of the world and it has been said that their meaty refusal was one of the causes of the Cold War. In fact the great speech made by the Russian leader where he slammed his shoe on a table is in fact said to have actually been – “Give us your Man-Made-Meats or we shall bury you…” The Meatman’s refused to back down though and America is a stronger nation for their patriotism and conviction.
In the seventies the Meatman’s and their meat hit a hard spot in the road as there was the Great Meat Shortage of Seventy-Three. With the rise of many knock-off meat companies that were mixing prime meat with fillers the supply of meat had grown desperately low and the country suffered from a lack of real Man-Made-Meat that hit the company, and nation, hard. To make matters worse there was controversy over what the ingredients of the meat were and allegations were made by the growing vegetarian sub-culture and this almost destroy the company. It was the wise words of Eridiah though that set the nation at ease – “We have never added anything more to our products that wasn’t in there when it was processed. Ours are 100% Man-Made Meats”.
It wasn’t until the late eighties that Man-Made-Meats were able to get back to its former glory and get back on top of the heap thanks to a president that had grown up on their products and had made their savory morsels the national meat. And with the company on the rise it was Arson Meatman’s son, who had taken control of the company, who decided to share their products with the rest of the world and prove once again what we in the states have always known – There ain’t nothin’ so sweet as a Man-Made-Meat.
The Spooky World of Chris Ringler 